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  #1  
Old 11-09-2006, 08:55 AM
xl1200r xl1200r is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Saratoga Springs, NY
Posts: 45
Talking Airline Maintenance Logs -Funny-

Wasn't sure where to put this, so a moderator can feel free to move/remove this thread if neccesary.

This was forwarded to me by my grandfather, who is an avid desktop Microsoft pilot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct & inspect the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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  #2  
Old 11-09-2006, 01:38 PM
svanarts svanarts is offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: California's vast Central Valley
Posts: 571
Default

Speaking of Qantas: Impaired Qantas Captain restrained

Here's the text:

First Officer Lands With Captain Strapped Away From Controls

An Australian Transport Safety Bureau (ATSB) report says the pilot of a Qantas jet carrying 177 passengers landed with the captain restrained last May 12.

The ATSB says the captain left the cockpit shortly after the 767-300 departed Auckland, New Zealand complaining of nausea and feeling shaky. One flight attendant administered oxygen to the captain while another remained in the cockpit to monitor the first officer.

The first officer took control of the aircraft over the Tasman Sea and radioed ahead to have an ambulance meet the aircraft in Melbourne.

The ATSB report indicates the captain did return to the cockpit before landing, but his "...seat, seatbelt and harness were adjusted so that he could not inadvertently interfere with the operation of the aircraft."

Paramedics treated the captain at the aircraft following an uneventful landing and he was subsequently admitted to a local hospital.

ATSB investigators learned the captain had been suffering anxiety problems for several years. He was prescribed anti-depressants for the condition while also undergoing treatment for hypertension.

The ATSB investigation concluded the captain's anxiety attack likely resulted from fatigue and low blood pressure. The medication the captain was taking for his hypertension lowers blood pressure, and he reported he'd slept poorly the night before the flight.

While Australia's Civil Aviation Safety Authority was aware of the pilot's condition, it's unclear exactly what it was doing about it other than to monitor.

An Australian and International Pilots Association spokesman told The Age, and on-line Australian news service, that airlines monitor the mental health of pilots, but more education is needed. He added he believed sufficient support structures are in place to deal with problems of this nature and more education will further improve safety.

Qantas would not respond to requests for comment on the incident.
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  #3  
Old 11-09-2006, 01:44 PM
TSwezey TSwezey is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Savannah, GA
Posts: 1,849
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Qantas has had a plane accident I believe. I think they have never had a jet plane accident. It was one of the trivia questions in the AOPA magazine.
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  #4  
Old 11-09-2006, 11:10 PM
JoeG's Avatar
JoeG JoeG is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 146
Default An oldie but goodie

I first saw this list back in the early 80's while working in the Air Force. It was attributed at that time to various writeups within the wing as recorded in the doofer log. I think somebody co-opted this for their own urban myth pleasure. That is unless Qantas has modified their commercial aircraft with "Target radars" (Item #13)

There was another one if I recall....

(P) #2 engine seeping oil
(S) #2 engine seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 engines lack normal seepage

Good stuff
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